The Moments that Break Me

Early on in my college career I got into the habit of calling my Mom after all of my advising appointments. I would share with her my news, good or bad. She would rejoice with me when I felt like I had a path planned out. She would listen as I babbled on about how I would take these classes, volunteer with this organization, and intern at that company.

Little did I know, my major would go through several changes, and I would transfer schools. But when those days came, as all my plans fell by the waste side, Mom was there to calm my nerves, to remind me that everything would be okay.

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As many of you may know, I am quickly approaching my college graduation. Since the beginning of Fall I have been counting down the quarters, the months, the days. However…

Until today none of it really felt real. Until today there was always a little bit of doubt in the back of my mind. I was unsure. Unsure that I had not missed a class, unsure that I hadn’t miscalculated credits, unsure that I hadn’t forgotten to check a box somewhere along the way. I was just unsure, doubtful.

Today I met with a graduation adviser, and sure enough… I am on track. Turns out I am only 8 credits away from graduation, so next quarter I will get to take an elective class, a just for fun class. Yippee!

This is all great news! For once it seems that my life is actually going the way I would like it to.  Except not really…

After my advising appointment I was ecstatic and I had to share my good news with someone. So… I called my boyfriend Ethan. Naturally, he was happy for me. He said all the right things, told me he was proud of me and reminded me how close I am to the finish line. And I was so happy to share this great news with him.  But after I hung up that phone, something felt wrong. The problem? The person that I really wanted to call and tell this news to was my MOM.

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Today, after what was one of the greatest advising meetings of my college career, my Mom wasn’t there to call. Which got me thinking… This Spring I will face the first, in a series of many, big life milestone without my Mom to share it with. Without my biggest fan on the sidelines cheering me on.

Today it is graduation, but one day it will be a big promotion, my engagement, my wedding day, the birth of my first child. Going through the day to day without my Mom gets easier as time passes. What I am not prepared for are the big things, the life milestones, the moments where you just expect your parents to be there by your side.  These are the moments that break me, these are the moments that scare the crap out of me.

“Losing a Mother doesn’t happen in a moment, it takes a lifetime to appreciate the impact of what’s gone.”

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